maddrew - reinvent & unleash

I remember Alan Puah made me an offer when we were in Fifth form. He gave me the chance to be someone I always wanted to be. I turned my head around looking at Say Guan, Chang Heng, Loke Win, Jack, Fairuz and Yew Jin who were in the class, seeing a reflection of a long time dream. But there was a catch. I have to break ties with my other close friends of about 4 years, those friends that I have so many fond memories and bitter squabbles. I eventually took the responsible route not to take his offer. I just couldn’t sacrifice one thing for another though at that time, I refused to understand which was the better deal. I would be a hypocrite.

Could I be happier if I took Alan’s offer? Would I still be in this state of endless cravings for everything in my sight and beyond? Would I turned out better as a whole? Would I be who I am now?

I suppose the deal with Alan would fall apart eventually. There are certain values of him and the others that I cannot bear and that I would just drop everything and leave. That is the only prediction of what could happened.

Today, I sit in front of my computer, all alone in my room, Coldplay playing in the background and the skies are as grey as my heart. Yes, I can finally do whatever I want, don’t give a damn to whoever that pisses me off and the opportunities to contemplate my relationships with everything around me. Yet, there is something missing. I am never happy for long, I admit. There will always be something else I want that I cannot get at that particular moment. I want everything. And I am not prepared to sacrifice one for another, just like I was in high school. In the end, I am overwhelmed.

At the same time lately, nearly everything I believed come tumbling down, only to rise again with new hopes and idealogies that I would never thought I would believe even one year ago. Maybe there is something similiar in all these rebirths that I fail to notice until today. Or am I just going in circles like a dog chasing its tail?

Or is this just a transitional phase that I am going through so that I can get to the other side of the pond? Change is difficult to cope to some extend. Slow change is manageable but when I am put in a city where so many external influences (plus a complicated character like maddrew does not help either) happen at such lightning speed, I am torn at breakneck speed.

Every morning, I get up even before the alarm rings. And those moments, as I opened my eyes, I feel anxious, like there are so many things to do. So much to catch up. Not a very good start to the day actually. I am a confused guy in a very big city. Let’s try another way of saying this. A hurricane is upon me and I was holding on to a strong pole. I was safe. When the pole starts to wobble, maybe it’s not safe anymore and I let go, now I am in the middle of the storm, spinning and spinning. I see many things I could reach to get me to the ground but it seems being in chaos appeals to me and I have not yet discover why.

I told Nicola the other day about something I always felt. She is worried about me. Talking to someone brings some comfort but I know she can’t help me. By understanding why I feel the way I am now, it goes a long way to reconciliation with the past. Hopefully the baggage is lighter and I can see what is real in front of me.

You know, if I took Alan’s offer, I guess I would still be in Malaysia because my heart will find it harder to part with those people and things that are dear to me. I might be reasonably happier and grounded, I would be driving a kancil and hang out in mamak stalls every week, watching sports with mates (bless me) and maybe a girlfriend is somewhere around the corner. Despite these comforting and predictable picture, I will lack some sort of occasional boost of excitement. I will think there must be something more than that.

So I suppose turbulence is my thing. I am drawn to the unknown. Despair sometimes make me think more, mess my mind more so that I cherish my friends and family more than I can imagine. In times of doubt and anxiety, I will come up with something that surprises me. Change is good in that way, change makes you think life is short and we should do whatever we want. Gbenga is a colleague in IKEA and he is a very contemplative person which I really respect. He recently spoke the word “happiness” which I have not heard for a long time. “As long as you are happy” was another thing he uttered. He pulled me out from my confusion that time and I now must rediscover what makes me happy because I am really not now that he mentioned it.

In the end, what is real won’t die.

~ by maddrew on November 16, 2008.