maddrew - reinvent & unleash

Well, this week marks the end of my summer journey. After 4 months unable to look for work in UK companies, I finally give in. It was a difficult decision. On the phone to Malaysia, I spoke to aunty Yan and she sees my needs differently. I know that I strongly do not want to work in Chinese restaurants anymore. The thought of working 6 days whole day scares the hell out of me. But when nothing comes up from my job interviews and I know I cannot keep on working part time with no savings, going back to restaurants is the only option for now. And so I surrender. I’ll be starting work next week.

Living in a rented room all by myself is one of the best times after living with horrendous restaurant colleagues all these years. I get my own privacy and I don’t have to put up with loud TVs, cigarrette smoke and dirty colleagues. Having to move out by next week also marks the end of summer.

I also met someone this time around. We had a great time together. For the first time, I felt complete as a person and had a sense of purpose in my life. To live life with a person has so much emotional depth and clarity about what you want to do because any plans about the future has to take account the other half and that makes decision making so much clearer. I know it’s a cliche but I am sort of the person who needs to experience it to know what it really means and I’m glad I did. Unfortunately the Swedish has to go back today, so I try to convince myself that this was just a summer fling for both of us. It’s heart wrenching to realise that I cannot show my true feelings without causing a surge of nervousness. There was a hint that we will meet again later this year but I’m not putting any hopes up. The departure, on the infactuation side of summer also marks the end of this incredible time.

These 4 months I have not been working alot. At times when I didn’t feel like working, I just text the boss. At the beginning, B, a friend of mine, was still in the UK. We really had a great time going out to clubs, pubs and seeing new places around London. Oh, we sure really met a lot of people. We talked alot about our stuffs too, sort of having some really deep conversation that made us laughed and surprised. Our time together marks a defining moment at the beginning of this year’s summer. I’m glad we got along so much after a rather cold start at work. I just wished that she could stay a little longer.

So, it’s back to the "bird cage" for me. Honestly, working in restaurants is really like being confined to one spot and always looking out the windows thinking how free those people walking on the streets. Admitting defeat in my attempt to break away from restaurants helps alot in accepting that there is nothing much I can do this time to reach for the skies. Retreat for now is the best defense.

Funny, these few occasions occur about the same period. That is why I chose these few to signify the end of something so profound in heart and mind. Looking back, it sounds gloomy but I am happy that I met the Swedish. That really sweetened things up, literally. So goodbye and hopefully things get a turning at the second half of this year.

~ by maddrew on July 14, 2008.