maddrew - reinvent & unleash

For the entry before, ”Maddrew’s Confession”, this year is actually ending with some last minute feel good factor. I’m glad that it turned out this way. Whether it’s within my control or not, I will soon find out. You would think the sombre mood in the entry before sort of suggests that I am not really jumping on a trampoline under the bright summer.

First of all, I got a place in a university this February. Doing it part time as the final year, I hope the result will take me to where I want to go.

I suppose the storm has settled down a bit, clearing away what were in the way. I can now see clearly what I want in nearly everything and in fact, throughout the period, I was more grounded than I would ready to admit. All this while I knew what I wanted but was blinded by the bustling city. I’m alright now, do not be alarmed. Infactuation, however can be really bothersome. After a year blindingly looking for what is now a diminishing light, slowing down is the best thing to do and hopefully something worth fighting for will turn up next year. Everyone has their moments, it’s my turn now. And for that, Jes, I know what I went through cannot be compared to your circumstances but we both know inside, we share the same hopes and get dissapointted countless times as a result. Things will be alright.

For the past few months, Chen Lu was there for me and she will continue to be there as long as she remains in London. When rebuilding a life in a different place, it can be lonely at times and having those people that you get to be friends with that makes the difference. She is excited about finding the right man as she searches in every unturned stone, something that we both find hilarious at times.  

Next year is not going to be a roller coaster ride as I previously imagined. It will be more like those big transparent plastic balls you get inside and roll down the hill. It’s called Zorbing which you get to do in Brighton, south of England. So there will certainly be more fun, more adrenaline, more headaches, more silly laughters, and more butterflies in the stomach.

As for next year, The Times has some pretty good predicitions.

AQUARIUS

JANUARY 19-FEBRUARY 17

“On learning that Jupiter’s move into Aquarius on January 5 brings a year of discovery, expansion and good fortune, you’d think you can kick back and relax. But it’s not that simple. Before the new comes, the old must go, sometimes swiftly and bewilderingly. Certainly, events around the Aquarius eclipsed New Moon on January 26 will make you wonder what’s lucky. Actually, this is just eliminating those habits and arrangements that are so ingrained that you wouldn’t imagine they could hold you back. Learn from this and when changes – in others’ lives, around you or in your own circumstances – shake things up, you’ll recognise them as an invitation to explore. Being out and about meeting people and considering new ideas actually lifts your spirits so much that you also find greater joy in existing relationships and elements of your life that you’d previously taken for granted”.

How can I not love London? There was a time when I thought you were an empty meaningless place where some people drift about. I was foolish to doubt your charms. There are lots of fond memories that sealed my heart in this wonderful city.  

Though sometimes not in the best of spirit, I would never trade off whatever I’ve experienced up till today for anything else in the world. Not money, not living the familiar route of a man’s life and certainly not clinging to the comfort zone.

Happy New Year everyone.

I remember Alan Puah made me an offer when we were in Fifth form. He gave me the chance to be someone I always wanted to be. I turned my head around looking at Say Guan, Chang Heng, Loke Win, Jack, Fairuz and Yew Jin who were in the class, seeing a reflection of a long time dream. But there was a catch. I have to break ties with my other close friends of about 4 years, those friends that I have so many fond memories and bitter squabbles. I eventually took the responsible route not to take his offer. I just couldn’t sacrifice one thing for another though at that time, I refused to understand which was the better deal. I would be a hypocrite.

Could I be happier if I took Alan’s offer? Would I still be in this state of endless cravings for everything in my sight and beyond? Would I turned out better as a whole? Would I be who I am now?

I suppose the deal with Alan would fall apart eventually. There are certain values of him and the others that I cannot bear and that I would just drop everything and leave. That is the only prediction of what could happened.

Today, I sit in front of my computer, all alone in my room, Coldplay playing in the background and the skies are as grey as my heart. Yes, I can finally do whatever I want, don’t give a damn to whoever that pisses me off and the opportunities to contemplate my relationships with everything around me. Yet, there is something missing. I am never happy for long, I admit. There will always be something else I want that I cannot get at that particular moment. I want everything. And I am not prepared to sacrifice one for another, just like I was in high school. In the end, I am overwhelmed.

At the same time lately, nearly everything I believed come tumbling down, only to rise again with new hopes and idealogies that I would never thought I would believe even one year ago. Maybe there is something similiar in all these rebirths that I fail to notice until today. Or am I just going in circles like a dog chasing its tail?

Or is this just a transitional phase that I am going through so that I can get to the other side of the pond? Change is difficult to cope to some extend. Slow change is manageable but when I am put in a city where so many external influences (plus a complicated character like maddrew does not help either) happen at such lightning speed, I am torn at breakneck speed.

Every morning, I get up even before the alarm rings. And those moments, as I opened my eyes, I feel anxious, like there are so many things to do. So much to catch up. Not a very good start to the day actually. I am a confused guy in a very big city. Let’s try another way of saying this. A hurricane is upon me and I was holding on to a strong pole. I was safe. When the pole starts to wobble, maybe it’s not safe anymore and I let go, now I am in the middle of the storm, spinning and spinning. I see many things I could reach to get me to the ground but it seems being in chaos appeals to me and I have not yet discover why.

I told Nicola the other day about something I always felt. She is worried about me. Talking to someone brings some comfort but I know she can’t help me. By understanding why I feel the way I am now, it goes a long way to reconciliation with the past. Hopefully the baggage is lighter and I can see what is real in front of me.

You know, if I took Alan’s offer, I guess I would still be in Malaysia because my heart will find it harder to part with those people and things that are dear to me. I might be reasonably happier and grounded, I would be driving a kancil and hang out in mamak stalls every week, watching sports with mates (bless me) and maybe a girlfriend is somewhere around the corner. Despite these comforting and predictable picture, I will lack some sort of occasional boost of excitement. I will think there must be something more than that.

So I suppose turbulence is my thing. I am drawn to the unknown. Despair sometimes make me think more, mess my mind more so that I cherish my friends and family more than I can imagine. In times of doubt and anxiety, I will come up with something that surprises me. Change is good in that way, change makes you think life is short and we should do whatever we want. Gbenga is a colleague in IKEA and he is a very contemplative person which I really respect. He recently spoke the word “happiness” which I have not heard for a long time. “As long as you are happy” was another thing he uttered. He pulled me out from my confusion that time and I now must rediscover what makes me happy because I am really not now that he mentioned it.

In the end, what is real won’t die.

Ah, another year is ending. A year of a roller coaster ride, like I said in a post late last year. Let me see. This year alone, I’ve been shaken by more people than the first 2 years combined since moving to the UK. This is because the sheer variety of backgrounds have put my experience cravings at a level I am not very satisfied now. When I was working in the restaurants, my acquaintances were mostly Chinese, which more or less, have the same life story as mine.

Comparing the Westerners and my own life I chose to lead early on, their experiences are far way ahead of mine. It is safe to say I am about a decade behind when I started meeting people outside of work late last year. Together with Belle, we set about on a journey of discovery which saw us meeting people beyond our regular circles and had wild fun times along the way.

It has been great throwing myself outside the box. I’ve tried ***** for the first time at a house party. To be honest, I had taken it only once then and that’s it, will not touch it again. Would I have the opportunity to do so when I was younger, I doubt it. Here, when they found out I haven’t tried the stuff before, they were eager to get me into trying.

Casual relationships and the occassional vague grasps of being in a relationship all thrown into the pot, creating more heartaches and superficial bliss this one year alone than all the years of my life combined. So, Matthew Tan, Nicholas Neoh, I now truly feel the pain you guys went through in college.

Career wise, I am so glad to be in IKEA. The store I work in is the most profitable store in the world with the UK head office along side. That offers great opportunities.

Oh, and I learnt to smoke. I don’t smoke all the time. I’m even thinking of piercing my left ear and get a small tattoo on my back. But that is just not me at the moment. Who knows, I sometimes don’t recognise myself.

Recently, I met a friend and when I compare myself with him, I feel inadequate. I don’t have a degree, and I earn minimum wage and my bedroom is the size of my friend’s kitchen. He works in the financial sector and I’m pulling stocks from the warehouse. I always thought that a degree won’t guarantee a good life and that I am actually preparing a comfortable life in Malaysia, and the UK is just the tool to achieve that. I now see there are opportunities to be made if I just finish the business degree here. Talking to my ambitious colleagues also changed my mind. Indeed, my thought alters to allign with those around me. Along with that, my priorities, set about nearly one year ago, in shaping my journey in England are almost complete.

I must say I am closer to my mum and dad than ever before. The distance between different continents does help. I would never written letters to them about my thoughts if I see them everyday and be clouded by my impossibly achieved high expectations.

I must say, the Westerners, collectively, would tend to entertain their curiosities more and seek adventures to satisfy most of their hedonistic tendencies. Sometimes these are dizzying pursuits for me when time and resources are limited. Adding to that, I still hold on to one thing which is having faith in the future, that everything, sooner or later, will fall into place, as I have discovered lately. Conceiving me in London was one of the best decision my parents ever made for me.  And I do hope that my ultimate life’s dream of sitting at the porch one early morning facing the beach, with the sun still hiding behind the clouds, the wind gently gushes on the face, me holding a cup of black tea, resting my shoulder on someone else’s while immersing ourselves in the sound of the waves, thinking, “what a beautiful life”, will come true in due time.

Happy new year.

Renting a place to stay in London can be frightening. There are lots of cons out there and we need to be on guard. A lady is gaining a rotten reputation for asking deposit to be put into her bank account before anyone comes to see her too-good-to-be-true rooms. On the grounds of security because she got mugged by men who came to see the room, she claimed that she will return the £300 after someone has seen the room. Rule number one: never give any money until the landlord agrees to let the room to you.

Another case was a personal experience. A proper rented room comes with functional windows, doors with locks, working showers and pipes and the building is usually rented out fully to other tenants. Some people have spare rooms and they rent out for some extra income. Now, I suggest that it is best to avoid those that have family or the landlord staying in the same house with you because you will definitely cannot escape the family drama and the sticky trappings of living with the owner of the house or flat.

So, there is only one rule. Price aside, if you suspect or feel that something is not right, don’t commit yourself because unless you have the nerve of steel, you will be in a lot of mess and inconvenience. My former fucking landlady was a lose cannon, shouting and arguing late at night with her boyfriend and turns on the radio out loud at 3am while she was drunk. A lesson the rest of you do not need to endure.

What a twist of event. 3 weeks ago, on Monday, I got an email saying that my application for a job in IKEA wasn’t successful. By then, I was already working in a new Chinese restaurant. I suppose that email sealed my fate for the next few years, that I would be spending those years working like a slave. But then, something happened. There was a phone call on Friday. And I was waiting for the bus to go home during my break. The manager in IKEA actually asked me to start work the following week. I was stunned. When I thought all hope was lost, I was given a chance for change that is necessary for the continuation of my shelf life in the UK.

So far, it has been great. The colleagues are full of characters and background. The benefits are great. I especially love it when I get to eat IKEA food for such fantastic prices. Oh, of course, being surrounded by wonderful stuffs made by IKEA, that is something I have always dreamed of. I know, I know, I sound a little bit too much in that sense but hey, I’ve been collecting the catalogues since 1996 and nothing says more of a cult follower than that.

I guess this summer turned out pretty good after all.

Well, this week marks the end of my summer journey. After 4 months unable to look for work in UK companies, I finally give in. It was a difficult decision. On the phone to Malaysia, I spoke to aunty Yan and she sees my needs differently. I know that I strongly do not want to work in Chinese restaurants anymore. The thought of working 6 days whole day scares the hell out of me. But when nothing comes up from my job interviews and I know I cannot keep on working part time with no savings, going back to restaurants is the only option for now. And so I surrender. I’ll be starting work next week.

Living in a rented room all by myself is one of the best times after living with horrendous restaurant colleagues all these years. I get my own privacy and I don’t have to put up with loud TVs, cigarrette smoke and dirty colleagues. Having to move out by next week also marks the end of summer.

I also met someone this time around. We had a great time together. For the first time, I felt complete as a person and had a sense of purpose in my life. To live life with a person has so much emotional depth and clarity about what you want to do because any plans about the future has to take account the other half and that makes decision making so much clearer. I know it’s a cliche but I am sort of the person who needs to experience it to know what it really means and I’m glad I did. Unfortunately the Swedish has to go back today, so I try to convince myself that this was just a summer fling for both of us. It’s heart wrenching to realise that I cannot show my true feelings without causing a surge of nervousness. There was a hint that we will meet again later this year but I’m not putting any hopes up. The departure, on the infactuation side of summer also marks the end of this incredible time.

These 4 months I have not been working alot. At times when I didn’t feel like working, I just text the boss. At the beginning, B, a friend of mine, was still in the UK. We really had a great time going out to clubs, pubs and seeing new places around London. Oh, we sure really met a lot of people. We talked alot about our stuffs too, sort of having some really deep conversation that made us laughed and surprised. Our time together marks a defining moment at the beginning of this year’s summer. I’m glad we got along so much after a rather cold start at work. I just wished that she could stay a little longer.

So, it’s back to the "bird cage" for me. Honestly, working in restaurants is really like being confined to one spot and always looking out the windows thinking how free those people walking on the streets. Admitting defeat in my attempt to break away from restaurants helps alot in accepting that there is nothing much I can do this time to reach for the skies. Retreat for now is the best defense.

Funny, these few occasions occur about the same period. That is why I chose these few to signify the end of something so profound in heart and mind. Looking back, it sounds gloomy but I am happy that I met the Swedish. That really sweetened things up, literally. So goodbye and hopefully things get a turning at the second half of this year.

In no particular order:

1. Sinus cured ( most of the time of the year ).

I sneezed a lot when I lived in Malaysia. Almost everyday when I woke up in the morning, the tickle in the nose was the sure way to make everyone get up with the loud sneeze. Then I started the day with runny nose and constant sneezing. They really gave me huge headaches. It’s only during summer I sneeze nowadays, and still not as bad as in Malaysia. I suspect it’s the pollen floating around when flowers start to bloom in the spring. But I’m cool with it.

2. No cockroaches

It is great to hear that there are no big brown cockroaches flying everywhere in this cold country. In Malaysia, I had to deal with these pests almost everytime the rain stops and they start to come out from the sewers. Good riddance. I always remember Tina and Lisa running from the kitchen with a flying cockroach chasing them.

3. No bright sun most of the year

Having lived in a all year round sunny nation, I am sick of the heat, humidity and the headache that entails. Here in England, the weather is unpredictable but one thing is, which is you will not catch the sun shining brightly as often.

4. Well connected / efficient public transport

I take the London Underground tube to all the places I want to go. It’s fast, frequent and you feel like a hamster running along a plastic coloured tube. Busses are plenty and there are 24 hour services to most areas which is good when I go out late at night. In Klang, I once waited an hour or more just to get to town.

5. Prolific art and history preservation, celebration and promotion

In England, especially London, I am surrounded by gothic buildings, magnificient Victorian structures and many more period buildings. It’s like walking into history and initiatives to celebrate art is in abundance. Entertainment in the city is fabulous, day or night. Spoilt for choice in this “candy shop”. Natasha, you’ll love them as much as I do.

6. Get to wear cool clothes

In the hot weather of Malaysia, there is only one form of clothing, t shirts and jeans, or shorts if you want to show off your hairy legs. I love it when the weather gets cold then I can put on my black fit H&M jacket.

7. Consumerism at its best

Here, things are cheap relative to the salary, even lower income earners. 3 weeks’ salary can get you a good laptop, a week’s can get you an IPOD, or trip to the stores. The last time I checked, I needed 6 months savings in Malaysia to get a good laptop.

8. Pragmatic society and government

The UK government is not perfect but there is a sense of striving to achieve something greater or coming up with ideas to improve society. They generally do not succumb to absurd urges that only benefit their own groups, unlike Malaysia. They question authority and mindsets and challenge the relevance, not sweep the fear of the unknown under the carpet.  It is this quality I have faith that the future is bright and anyone who works hard, can achieve what they want.

9. Beautiful people everywhere

Everywhere you look, there are gorgeous women in fashionable clothes, men that look like celebrities. I get the feeling of being in a catwalk show, every second. Chee Ming would love to sit with me doing some people watching like we used to behind glass windows when we were in college.

10. Diversity

So far, I’ve met a Jamaican, Israeli, Hungarian, Canadian, Irish, Scottish, Austrian, American, Indonesian, Belgium, Swiss, French, Brazillian, Hong Kongese, Polish, Bangladeshi, Italian, Indian, Chinese, Australian, Filipino, Welsh and counting.

I just came back from a live gig in Scala, near where I work in King’s Cross, London. It was a chance I cannot miss. I asked the lady, Tina who works in the ticket hall if I can pop and see a show tonight and she said ok, after I delivered some food to her. I didn’t know who was playing tonight and I only got there at the end part of the gig. Called the Weakerthans, they play one of my kind of music, acoustic guitar. They are awesome. Today is my first crawl to a live gig. I’ve never been to one except Madonna’s concert but that is more of a highly publicised, expensive show of orchestrated music. This is different because they are not as famous as The Kooks, at least to my limited but expanding interest knowledge of such acts. They are more intimate with the audience and have a younger, more hip audience. Scala is one the most famous venues in London for such events. Being there makes you part of emerging lesser known music producers that can burst into the scene in the near future.   

Click Scala to check out the place.

A couple of years ago, while working in a restaurant, a typical English bloke asked me, "Where are you from?" As anyone from another country in the UK would say, "I’m from Malaysia". A blanked out face quickly emerged, leaving me to assume he wasn’t sure where Malaysia is on the map. Hence this famous reply from me, "Do you know where is Singapore?"…..then later I said, "Do you know where is Thailand?"…. as he nodded twice for comfirming where these 2 countries are, I dropped the bomb saying, "Malaysia is in the middle".

Subsequent similar question from countless people I met along the way in this country, be it customers at the restaurants, strangers that I had friendly chats with, online acquaintances and fellow new casual friends usually from pubs and clubs, I slowly and consciously said that I am from Singapore.

Singapore, in the eyes of the western world is a top performing nation in Asia in many fields- economy, tourism, business profile and education. I can’t say I’m from Taiwan because I know little about the nation and I can’t say I’m from Thailand because I can’t speak Thai. When I’m bored saying Singapore, I will occasionally say Hong Kong.

It’s all about image association. You know when we were in school, we wanted to be associated with the in crowd or at least try to be interesting people. It’s the same in this situation. I’m not saying I don’t like Malaysia because that is where my family and friends are and also I want to spend my remaining days there since it has low living expenses standard compared to the UK and Singapore.

Until then, you can expect to watch me or knowingly know that I will continue to shout that I’m from Singapore. No Malaysia, no Kuala Lumpur, no Langkawi, no Penang and certainly no Klang because no English person would know where it is. Trying to explain where Malaysia is to other nationalities can sometimes be more of a hassle, I tell you the truth.

But hey, you miss the point by now. I didn’t say I lived in the island for how many years. I only said I’m from Singapore, not a Singaporean. Most of the time, people failed to probe further to my claim without realising that I only spent around 3 days in Singapore in 2000.